Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
