Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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