It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
