Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
