There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
