I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
