Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Redeem this text for a blowjob
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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