he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
It's shark week go big or go home
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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