I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
