i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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