Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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