We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
