Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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