Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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