so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
