Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
