did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize