it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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