i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
