I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
