the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
