Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Blood and glitter go together right?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
