Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
