I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
