I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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