3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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