I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
