im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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