apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize