Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
