I just pynch a tree in the face
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
