Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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