He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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