do herpes really smell.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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