mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
