I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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