just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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