Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
