Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
