It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
