I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
