I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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