Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Are my feet made of real feet?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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