You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
