i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
