My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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