Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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