Just mADE A PArabola og urine
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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