My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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