i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
