I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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