saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
false alarm, still single
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
