i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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