Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
