I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
