How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
