Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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