if i can run in heels then i can drive
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
