Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
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