Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
